Smart, successful women want love, career fulfilment, true well-being, a balanced life, strong networks, and authentic confidence, like most people do. Unconscious fear frequently prevents them frommanifesting their desires. Our fear factors include the fear of losing our jobs, the fear of not having enough money to provide for our children, the fear of losing the admiration of those who look up to us, the fear of people betraying our trust, the fear of disapproval from significant others, the fear of being labelled a failure, the fear of being alone, the fear of not being able to keep up with the Joneses, the fear of living in guilt, and the fear of deviating from some societal norms and expectations. When I was growing up, my deepest fear was being vulnerable. By “vulnerability,” I mean being open or intimate enough to share my needs, challenges, and true self with others. My fear was that if people got to know my weaknesses, they would disrespect me, they would be disappointed in me and that I would have failed. This thought made it difficult for me to raise my hand in class at Holy Child and admit that I had not understood a topic and needed further clarification. It extended into my friendships to the point that those close to me would ask, “How come we always share our wins and losses with you, but you only share your wins?” This innate fear of vulnerability reared its ugly head early in my marriage and in my professional life. I found it difficult to share my challenges and seek help and support. This one incident, I remember vividly. While pregnant with my first child, I stayed with a very close friend for some days. One Monday morning, I woke up penniless, with not even a cedi to buy petrol. I was fully dressed and sat in her living room, hoping and praying that some miracle would happen. Money would somehow fall from the sky. I must say it did because my friend woke up, came to the living room, and asked me why I hadn’t left for work. Embarrassed, I made several attempts to lie in order to save face. “You don’t havemoney on you, right?” she asked. I nodded sheepishly. After a long lecture on how not to be ashamed to ask for help when necessary, she gave me the money, and I left. Vida taught me that “yes” is an answer, “no” is an answer, and “wait” is an answer. There was nothing to be ashamed of. From that day on, I learned to have boundaries while also being open and intimate. I learned that true intimacy requires vulnerability. It is by being able to share our innermost selves with other loving, safe souls that we build trust, safety, and the deepest of connections. Life forced me to release my fears dramatically when I took the decision to break away from what I describe as a “toxic spousal relationship.” I realised I was afraid to admit to myself that my marriage was no longer serving me well; I was afraid of what my friends and extended family would say, afraid of feeling like a failure. It was evident that I needed to release my own fears to be able to make informed decisions about my next steps. QUESTIONS TO PONDER Are there any fears holding you back from becoming your best self ? What measures do you think you can take to help you release those fears? ? 25
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